We may not have seen eye to eye quite a few times over the years, which is fine, but there is one thing that we don’t agree on and it upsets me to no end: the way you think of yourself. You definitely do not see yourself through my eyes.
Last Friday night, I saw you break down over someone who definitely does not deserve to have you in their life in any way, shape or form. You may have realized, but I just didn’t know what to say or how to react. I shut myself down. I know that feeling far too well. I didn’t want to demand you stopped crying, because I knew you needed to let it all out. I didn’t want to scold you and tell you that this stupid douchebag doesn’t deserve you, because you know that already. And I know for a fact that there’s nothing worse than being aware of the fact that they don’t deserve you and still being unable to help yourself. I didn’t want to tell you off and make you think you had to apologize for having feelings, because the rain doesn’t say sorry for falling, and neither should you.
Look, if there is someone I’ve learned from, that’s you. You say I have changed a lot over the past few months, and that’s true, but what is also true is that I’d always wanted to be more like you. More carefree, less shy, more friendly, less worried all the time, with a hint of that confidence that always seemed to come off you like perfume. I have always been kind of jealous of that – and I don’t think I’ve ever told you. Somewhere along the way, though, we switched roles. I don’t know when or why it happened, but at some point you stopped seeing yourself like the badass woman that you’ve always been. You’re kind, funny, strong, smart, adorable, pretty and, last but not least, yes, you’re hot. With incredibly gorgeous eyes and Rapunzel hair. And you can draw. You are damn talented. You art matters.
I wish you could see all that for yourself. Hopefully, one day you will. One day you will be able to say, “Fuck it, I’m better than this” and never look back. You deserve it. And remember, you don’t need anyone by your side to remind you of your worth. But if you ever do need someone to do exactly that, I’ll gladly take the job.
I love you more than I loved Zayn back in 2012. That’s a lot.